Judith's Story
My life has been changing dramatically over the past few years. I find myself somewhere between midlife and old age. I don't exactly know where the line between the two exists, but it really doesn't matter to me. I do know that I'm having the "time of my life" and finally finding Judith. Age does bring a sense of wisdom, a new way of seeing, a new perspective on the past and a new outlook for the future. Boundless opportunities are crossing my path. New experiences are being explored. I'm busy getting old, silent brain cells to awaken and learn.
I live surrounded by forest on the outskirts of suburbia in northern Connecticut. I've been married to the same man for thirty-seven years (a challenge and an accomplishment). We have two remarkable children and an amazing granddaughter. (Proud mothers and grandmothers really do tell the truth!) My daughter is an artist, a painter, and has recently returned to school to further her education in fine art. My son is an officer in the United States Marine Corps, currently in flight school, learning to fly. Although proud of his accomplishment and dedication, worry about him is always at the back of my mind.
I've spent most of my adult life raising my family and providing day care for other children. I always looked forward to the day when I could have "my time" and never realized I could have had my time all along. When my children left home to embark on lives of their own, I started a small publishing company, Spencer Little Press. Having a passion for books and writing, and an interest in collectible miniatures as a hobby, I wrote, edited, and last year finally published a 540 page directory on miniatures resources. More books on women and spirituality are rolling around in my head at present and I would also like to publish other women's work. A not-for-profit publishing company is another idea I am working on. As I saw the "crone" in me 
emerging, I started the Greater Hartford Chapter of the national Red Hat Society, a group of women over fifty who gather for outrageously fun adventures and have a great time being together at this stage of life. To my group, I'm known as "Queen Mum" but it is the women of our group who are the royalty.
My spiritual journey took a major turn several years ago when my daughter sent me a copy of the book Women Who Run With the Wolves, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. I can still remember one day while reading Wolves I had to put the book down, and started pacing the rounds through my living room, dining room, and kitchen, over and over again - so excited I was trembling and kept shouting out loud "I get it! That's me! Yes!" This book gave me an insight into myself I had never seen and answers to many of my questions to myself. This book forevermore changed my perception of me as a woman.
While Wolves gave me new insight into myself, reading The Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd was my call to action. In many ways, this was my first realization of the effect religious patriarchy has on women’s lives, much of the time with such subtlety it goes unnoticed, but with a cumulative outcome that has shaped us all. My life’s direction would forever be changed. Now in the decade of my fifties, how could I have lived all these years missing this? I was a child of the sixties. I had sure heard of feminism. Feminists to me were “those women” – I didn’t burn my bra and march with a picket sign – the word “feminist” stuck in my throat. I was a good Christian woman, served my husband, raised my children, and made meatloaf. (I must admit that Biblical word “submit” did give me a lot of trouble for years.) While I believed in equal treatment in the workplace, I was content to let “those women” take care of the problem. I was totally oblivious to the pervasive affects of patriarchy, had never heard the word “womanist”, and had little understanding of the fundamental issues of the woman’s movement. I now know feminists support me making meatloaf, if that’s what I choose to do. I am a feminist. Those words flow freely.
Equipped with my new action list, I was led to the Women’s Leadership Institute at Hartford Seminary and enrolled as a student. A stated outcome of the Women's Leadership Institute experience is to gain “an understanding of the feminist perspective and feminist spirituality and how these function to transform one’s own personal life, and beyond that, religion and society.” This is where I needed to be. My first day in class, I found myself surrounded by women of differing ages, races, backgrounds, religious practice and spiritual views. I was struck by the warmth and openness of this diverse group of women around me. That first day the phrase “privileged ignorant” was tossed out into the open discussion. I don’t remember who said it or the full context where it was said; I was too busy scooping up that phrase and attaching it to my identity.
It was another one of those moments when one knows their life has, yet again, taken a turn. Yes, “privileged ignorant”, that was me. Oh, I am privileged. I grew up in white, middle-class America. I never went to bed cold or hungry. I had the opportunities of education, employment, to live where and how I pleased, to worship where and how I pleased. Oh, I am ignorant. I do not truly know what it feels like to be a descendent of slavery, to be invalidated because of my race or my religion. I do not know what it truly feels like to be homeless, abused, or imprisoned. I do not know what it feels like to be faceless. I will never know these things, but I will never again see them with closed eyes.
Throughout this pursuit of new spiritual understanding, I have also gained an enthusiasm for theology, history, archeology, mythology, and learning about the development of human civilizations and beliefs. My entire concept of Christianity, and of God, has been questioned. New answers have had to replace old ones. An ongoing question remained for a long time. How can a woman be a feminist and a Christian at the same time? I have had to change paths from the narrow to the wide, from the intolerant to the encompassing. Looking out over all there is to see is a much better view and allows me to claim what I want for my own.
I have accepted Christianity as my way, my way because I believe in the message Jesus sent out into the world, the message of how to be a human being growing in the presence of, and practicing the knowing of, God. Christianity remains my way, but not my only way. My Divine is now the God/Goddess of all religions, all creation, past, present, and future. It is my belief that we, as humans, must guard against narrowly giving the Divine our image, our names, or our gender. The sacred is that which cannot be named. At the same time we must see the Divine within ourselves, within others, within nature, and in the world --the universe, around us. We must not make God too small.
Judith’s Table began as my chosen project for a class assignment in applied spirituality for Women’s Leadership Institute at Hartford Seminary. I am now a graduate of Women's Leadership Institute. It is my hope that this website will continue to enrich the lives of women who visit and that Judith’s Table grows and evolves to be a meaningful place of wisdom, learning, and support for all who gather here.
